By My Side
by KawaiiRiniBunny
Summary: Out of all the fates in the world, why the hell did he have to get this one? Hidan, oneshot, crack. Rated M for language.


**I really have no idea where this came from. The idea just popped into my head, so I turned it into a oneshot. **

**Enjoy.**

**Warnings: Bad language, total crack.**

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><p>It was dark. Really dark. And cold, he couldn't forget the cold. Or the pressure from the rocks pressing in on his head from every conceivable angle, the smell of old earth and decaying plant life, and the goddamn, never ending dark.<p>

It was enough to drive a man insane (not that he was sane to begin with). Hidan had tried several different things to keep his mind intact as he slowly wasted away from a lack of nutrition, amongst other things. He tried counting off, but quit when he lost count after three-hundred and forty-seven thousand, nine-hundred and twenty-six. He tried cursing his enemies with every swear he could think of, including some rather clever ones he made up himself. But there was only so much one could do while dismembered and trapped in a rock-filled pit for eternity, so Hidan eventually settled for musing on how fucked up all this was.

_'Goddamn those fucking Konoha brats,' _he thought to himself, keeping his mouth shut in fear of spiders and bugs creeping into it. _'I swear to Jashin, if I ever get out of this hole I'm going to fuck their shit up so bad...'_

As he dreamed about all the nasty things he'd do to that Nara kid and his stupid friends, a deep rumbling made him pause._ 'Not again,'_he cursed, thinking it was an earthquake. The last one had given him a fucking huge headache, and shifted him even lower into the depths of the earth. However, this rumbling was different from an earthquake. It seemed to be coming from above, in a certain direction, instead of all around him. It grew louder as whatever was causing it moved closer, vibrations shaking the rocks Hidan's head.

"KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF," he shouted over the rumbling, which then slowed and stopped. Spitting dirt from his mouth, he glared into the darkness. _'It's about fucking time...'_

_CRACK_. The sound of splitting and shifting rocks was deafening. Wishing he still had hands to clamp over his ears, Hidan waited for what seemed like hours as whatever was going on above him moved rocks and earth from the pit he was in. As time wore on, he noticed his vision was getting better, and the pressure around him was lessening. Light began to filter through cracks and crevices, and after a while voices could be heard as well.

Hidan faintly remembered the annoying Nara kid saying that he was in his family's forest, and that he'd be there for all eternity. So why the fuck was he being dug up now?

The voices grew louder as the amount of rock in the pit lessened. He could now make out pieces of a conversation.

"-clan papers said this place was forbidden for some reason. Should we really be here, boss?"

"Don't worry about it. Those papers are over sixty years old, and the Nara clan hardly uses this forest anymore. What they don't know won't hurt 'em."

"Yeah, but they're a ninja clan. They don't mark 'forbidden' on a map for no good reason..."

"I said don't worry about it! Get your ass in position and lift the bottom layer of the pit out. I want this mine goin' before I leave today!"

"Y-yes, sir!"

Ah. So he'd been here for sixty years. He could have sworn it was longer, but who the fuck cared now? He was almost free, goddammit!

The earth around him began to tremble, and the next thing he knew he had the sensation of being suspended in the air. Still enveloped in a few feet of earth, he was lifted up out of the bottom of the pit and dropped unceremoniously onto the hard earth outside.

"Hey! Be fucking gentle!" He toppled, head over...uh, head down the pile and onto the grass of the outside world. Wincing, he closed his eyes against the blinding sunlight. Being trapped in a dark pit for sixty years makes your eyes sensitive, goddammit.

Wincing from the first rays of sunlight in over sixty years, Hidan tried to rid his mouth of the dirt. He was nearly done when a shadow was cast over him, and he looked up, eyes red and watering.

It was a young girl, with big brown eyes and wearing a yellow yukata. She was smiling widely and innocently, apparently not fazed by the fact that he was just a freaking head.

"Get the fuck outta here," Hidan spat. Ignoring his crude language, the girl lifted him off the ground.

Giggling, she waved to a man standing at the edge of the pit. "Look daddy, a head! Lookit!"

"That's nice, dear." Hidan scowled. Fucker didn't even look at his kid.

"Can I keep it? Can I? Please, daddy?"

"Uh, sure honey. Go now, daddy's working."

With a delighted squeal, the girl turned and began to run merrily through the forest, Hidan jiggling in her arms all the way.

"Put me down, you little brat!"

"I'm so happy! I've never had a pet before!"

"I'm not a fuckin' pet! I'm a coldhearted murderer! Put me down!"

"I'll take good care of you, I promise! I'll feed you, bathe you, play with you-"

"PUT ME THE FUCK DOWN, OR _SO HELP ME_JASHIN I WILL-"

The girl stopped, mouth open in a small 'O' shape. "You need a name!"

"I HAVE A FUCKING NAME, YOU TWAT! IT'S MOTHERFUCKING HIDAN-"

"I know! I'll name you Coco!"

_'Oh, fuck me.'_

-O-

Out of all the possible fates in the world, Hidan had to wonder why Jashin had given this one to him. Had he really been so unfaithful? He must have been, for what else would merit such horrific treatment?

"More bubbles, Coco?"

"No more fucking bubbles. Last time you got soap in my eye, you bit-"

_Splash_. Soapy water was poured over his already soaking head. Hidan sat in a shallow pan on the girls porch, where she was scrubbing him clean.

"You're really grimy, Coco! Poor thing." Squeezing some strawberry shampoo into her chubby hands, the girl began to rub it into his hair. "Don't worry, I'll make you squeaky clean!"

"I told you, girl, my name isn't Coco, it's Hida- _AAAH!_YOU FUCKING GOT SOAP IN MY EYE AGAIN!"

-O-

Eyes still burning from the soap, Hidan glared at the girl as she moved around her family's kitchen. He sat on the table, smelling of strawberries and with bows in his hair. If there ever was a time he wished he were dead, it was now.

"Are you hungry? I'll make something yummy!" Reaching into the fridge, the girl began to shuffle around, looking for something.

"I don't have a stomach, dumbass. I can't eat."

"Here it is!" Emerging from the fridge, the girl held up a baby's bottle, filled with milk. "Milk for my baby!"

"Oh,_ hell _no."

Trying his best to struggle as he was lifted and cradled in her arms (which was hard, him being a head and all), Hidan clamped his mouth shut. "Nuh uh!"

"Open up!"

"Mmmghhh nnggh! Phhnngmm-!"('Fuck off! Motherfuckin'-')

_Pop!_She forced the nub of the bottle through his clamped lips and squeezed, pouring the milk into his mouth.

Smiling contentedly, she began to rock him. "There, that's a good-BAD COCO!" The milk had run out of the hole in his neck, splashing onto her yukata. "You go potty _outside_!"

Outraged, Hidan forced the bottle out of his mouth. "I don't have a fucking esophagus! Where the fuck did you expect the milk to go, ya fuckin' dumbass motherfucker? I'm just a fucking HEAD!"

-O-

And so his days went on. The little girl, whose name turned out to be Megumi, pampered and took care of "Coco", bathing him, playing dress up with him, and even buying him his own collar and food dish. She even went so far as to dye his hair pink, "To match your eyes!"

_'Why, Jashin-sama? Why? Was I really so unfaithful? Wasn't I a good servant, O bloody one?'_ As he laid on a fluffy pillow at the foot of Megumi's bed, he found himself begging for mercy as the girl slept. _'I mean, come on! I'd even settle for being Kakuzu's footrest, or Tobi's chew toy! Anything but this!'_

"Mmm, Coco...I love you..." Hidan froze as Megumi turned in her sleep, a sickeningly cute small on her lips. Frowning, Hidan glared at her peaceful form.

_'I hate you. I hate you more than Kakuzu. I hate you more than that Nara kid. I even hate you more than I hate strawberry scented shampoo, and that's a lot, you little brat. I'd rather be in that pit right now than right here, on this fucking pink pillow. You just wait until I get my fucking arms back, and then you'll pay...'_

-O-

The very next day, Megumi took Hidan out for a "walk". This included her carting him along through the village in her arms, and everyone else running away in fright as soon as they saw his dismembered head.

_'Yeah, that's right. Run away, bitches, run away!'_

"Hey, Megumi-chan!" A high-pitched voice called to the girl. Skidding to a dusty stop, Megumi ceased her skipping and waved to a group of kids walking her way.

"Hi guys! Wanna see my new pet?"

Rolling his eyes, Hidan watched as a gaggle of young girls and boys surrounded Megumi. They had been smiling and laughing up until now, when they caught sight of the scowling head sitting in their friend's arms.

"What is _that_?" A girl screeched, stepping backwards.

"His name is Coco! He's my pet!"

A boy crinkled his nose in disgust. "That's not a pet, stupid. That's just _gross._"

A frown appeared on Megumi's face. "Wh-wha-?"

Catching on, the rest of the kids began to laugh and point. "You're gross, Megumi! You and your stupid pet!"

"Megumi's stupid, Megumi's stupid~!"

"Disgusting! My dog is _much_ cuter!"

Tears began to fall from Megumi's eyes. "Sto-stop it! I'm not s-stupid!"

Hidan frowned as her hot tears splashed onto the top of his head. "Knock it off, kid. Don't listen to 'em." He hated to admit it, but for some reason he didn't like to see her cry. Yeah, he hated the kid a lot, but he knew what it was to be an outcast. True, he was a brutal murderer and a total psychopath, but still. Insults stung, and he knew it.

So he did something he knew he'd never be able to live down. _'Thank Jashin Kakuzu isn't here...'_

"HEY!"

The loud shout from the dismembered head made the kids stop their taunting and look in fear and wonder at Hidan. Still sniffling, Megumi looked down, unafraid and expectant, and for a moment that made Hidan feel better.

"If you don't shut the fuck up right now," he growled, "I will hunt you down and fuck your shit up so bad you'll piss your pants every time you sit down. Capiche?"

The kids nodded, backing away. A mad gleam appeared in his eyes, and Hidan opened his mouth wide. "GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!"

Running away screaming, the kids disappeared around a corner. Laughing manically, Hidan spit in their direction. "Run, bitch-_Oof_!"

"You're such a good pet, Coco!" Megumi cried, crushing Hidan to her chest. "I love you so much!"

"Yeah, yeah," Hidan mumbled. "Let's get out of here already."

"Can we get some ice cream?"

"Fuck yeah."

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><p><strong>Well then. I think I might rewrite this later, but for now it's satisfactory. I hope you enjoyed it...<strong>

**Review if you liked, review if you didn't.**

**Have a nice day!**


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